Fin

I did it!!!! Woohoo! I completed Nablopomo, I ate vegan for a month, and I did yoga every day (except for one day where I totally forgot until the next morning, but since that was an innocent slip-up, I'll let it go). Didn't get that pesky novel written/edited, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.



Thanks to George & Anna for following along! You guys are awesome!!!!

Will I ever blog again after tomorrow?

Maybe not. Keeping up with a blog is hard.

Driving to the mall is fun.

Seriously! One major thing that's changed about Chicago since I moved there in '97 is that traffic has gotten totally shitty and everyone now drives like the pissed off assholes that they have unfortunately become (myself included). Today I drove to the mall in Saginaw & traffic was totally tolerable, plus no one tailgated me at any point. It was heavenly. And there were tons of parking spaces & I had the vegan cookbook section of Barnes & Noble all to myself. I got a new cookbook for myself and one for my parents with diabetic, heart-healthy meals for two.

Then I took a leisurely drive home & stopped at Meijer's for an altogether enjoyable shopping experience. I wouldn't want to live in Saginaw, but I appreciate the fact that there's room to move here & people are much more laid back. It makes the dream of moving to Sonoma in a few years seem even more like the right thing to do. Serenity now!

Almost forgot...

to blog today! Anthony & I drove to my parents today and have been watching their massively monstrous flat-screen TV since our arrival. My dad had Jay Leno on for a little bit. Does anyone seriously think that man is funny or in any way tolerable? I thought I was going to freak out and start yelling, "Turn it off!!!! Turn it off!!!! In the name of all that is holy, I am begging you to turn it off." Then we tried the On Demand movies. In Chicago, the On Demand stuff is free with Comcast. With Charter, you have to pay for them. They even charge for movies like 48 Hours and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. WTF, Charter?

Then we found some free short films to watch. The first one, "Made of Meat" was pleasantly strange, and the second one, "La Puppe" was nothing short of adorably brilliant. Unfortunately I couldn't find the video online anywhere, but if you look up "la puppe" on YouTube, I think you could be entertained for hours.

Happy Tofu Turkey Day!

You are reading the blog of the official Apples to Apples champion of Orland Park. And by official, I mean totally unofficial.

Tonight was a lot of fun. We had dinner at Anthony's sister's with her husband & two boys, her husband's mom, Anthony's mom, stepdad, and dad, and two awesome dogs, Ruby (boxer) and Molly (bichon frise) who got my biological canine clock ticking. They were both super sweet & cuddly, but I have to say that I can see myself with a littler dog, because it's so damn cute when they crawl in your lap and just want to cuddle. I wouldn't mind a mix between a bichon and a Miniature Pinscher. How cute would that be??? I'm so tempted to get on Petfinder.com and see if I can find one. However, I know that if I do, I'll easily be on for 30 minutes (which is a gross underestimatation). I wish I could say I wasn't going to do it, but I am. Ten minute time limit. No, really. Ten minutes. I'll be back in ten.

***************************************************************************

Okay, so it's been 12 minutes, but that's not bad. I didn't find a Bichon/Min Pin mix, but I did find this cutie. He's a boxer/pug mix. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ferdinand!

Thanksgiving

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-ee cummings

80% of the way there....

But it feels like 90%.

Tomorrow I will be spreading the rumor that the hospital was unable to purchase turkey and pumpkin pies, and thus will be serving only meatloaf and green Jello with carrots for Thanksgiving. And also that we've run out of Ativan. And Vicodin.

I should actually just prepare myself for the fact that there's probably going to be a bunch of admissions on Wednesday night, and I'll just get in early on Thursday so I can be out in time to head out to the suburbs for dinner at Anthony's sister's. I'll be bringing this and Anthony will be bringing this. Yum!

Evidence of Magic

1) Lots of green lights both to & from work.

2) Soy Creamy Chocolate Mini Sandwiches

3) Pink carnations

4) My mom talking me down when I got upset about her cardioversion tomorrow

5) Target therapy

6) The power of knowing that someone cares about you

7) Pesto

8) A friend singing a song on the telephone

9) Trying to make sense of something totally unexpected

Here's the backstory on #9. My favorite Ethiopian adoption blogger is a woman named Julie, who lives in California. She and her husband waited forever (2 years?) for their adoption referral, and a couple months ago they brought home their daughter & son. Her posts are always touching and very honest & beautiful, and they're always about her family. Her post from today is a good example of what she's about. Take a quick look & tell me you don't want to adopt from Ethiopia ASAP. This woman is my inspiration!

So imagine my confusion when I read this post on her blog today. Huh? It's funny, but it's so not Julie. Since when does Julie post bizarre blog entries? At first I thought she was just trying something new. Then about 1/2 way through, I decided that her husband must have posted this, because it definitely was not written in Julie's voice. I got all the way through the post before I realized it wasn't Julie's blog. It was JJ's blog, and this type of entry is totally written in JJ's voice. She posts weird & wonderful stuff all the time. Once I got it figured out, all was once again right with the world.

Magical Magic

November is magical, right? Someone said that once, I think. Maybe 21 days ago? Tomorrow I'm going to keep an eye out for all the magical things I can see, and start appreciating them. And my post tomorrow will be about all the magical things I encountered, rather than a brief blurb to meet my daily blogging requirement.

Dumb Consult

My number one pet peeve psychiatry consult is for an 85-year-old woman who has suddenly become agitated and delirious, and the primary team calls asking what's going on, and have not yet checked a urinalysis. Because 9 times out of 10, the patient in this scenario is going to have a UTI, and if you just treat it, the agitation and delirium will magically disappear.

That's a dumb consult that one sees a lot. Here's one I hadn't seen before, but that my resident called to staff with me: a 78-year-old man with history of depression, has been stable on antidepressant for years, presents to the ER with complaint of loss of appetite for one month. Denies depressed mood, poor sleep, lack of energy, suicidal thoughts, change in concentration, or loss of interest in normally pleasurable activities. In other words, he's not depressed. Has had decreased appetite, weight loss, and darker stools. Family history of cancer in two brothers. ER doctors ask the psychiatry resident to see him before discharge to see if "there's something we can give him to improve his appetite."

Again, no acute psychiatric symptoms, several acute medical symptoms and risk factors. My level of annoyance was probably 8/10 when hearing about the case, then I hung up the phone & went on my merry way. The poor resident had to take probably two hours out of his day to read the guy's chart, interview him, staff him with me, and write up a detailed note. I'm soooooooooo glad I'm not a resident anymore.

Friday Night Hoedown

Tonight I went to see Hot Club of Cow Town with my mom. She may or may not be their biggest fan. I wanted to buy her a t-shirt, but they all had graphics of cowboys on buckin' bronco's, and they all appeared to be men's t-shirts and they were in colors like forest green with yellow graphics, or navy blue with red graphics. And dammit, a 69-year-old woman should not be expected to wear a man's t-shirts in masculine color schemes.

They did have black ribbed tank tops with the band name in pink font. Again, a 69-year-old woman should not be expected to wear anything ribbed, or anything with a hot pink logo. So I'm going to get her tickets to their January concert instead.

In other news, this is my third night in a row where I didn't get a chance to post anything until after 11 pm. Last night I was joking about passing out on the keyboard, but tonight I ain't playin'. I'm tired!

19/30 of the way there....

We saw the Addams Family with Nathan Lane & Bebe Neuwirth tonight. It was awesome. And now it's my second night in a row getting in past 11 pm, and that is just too much for an old lady to take. So I'm going to get my ass in bed before I pass out on the keyboard.

29 minutes to spare...

I went out for dinner tonight with Mark & Nick, two wholly awesome human beings. We went to my favorite restaurant and the food was just as delicious without cheese as it is with cheese. I got a yummy eggplant appetizer and a super yummy Greek vegetarian pasta. The sour cherry martini before dinner & the glass of cabernet with dinner have definitely gone to my head, and I'd better drink a big glass of water, take two Advil, and climb into bed.

If it were any other week, I'd think about how I'll get to sleep in this weekend. But I'll be on call starting this Friday at 4:30 pm through next Friday at 8 am, which means I'll be seeing patients on the inpatient unit Saturday & Sunday morning, and also on Thanksgiving morning. A couple years ago I decided to moonlight on Thanksgiving and ate a whole pumpkin pie in the call room.

I'm not sure how that sounds to the uninitiated, but it's actually a very fond memory. I'm glad I got the chance to do so much moonlighting and for everything I learned on my non-moonlighting call nights (as draining as they often were), because I do feel like they prepared me to take call as an attending. I hope. Fingers crossed that no one wants to be in the hospital the weekend before Thanksgiving (or on Thanksgiving), but I kind of suspect that the lure of a warm bed and a turkey dinner might be too much to pass up. We shall see!

Twisted Yogini

I joined Twitter yesterday. I don't know what came over me. My Twitter handle is "twistedyogini" (does anyone use the CB-era term "handle" anymore? If not, I'm bringin' it back!).

Tai Chi Master For a Day

We are halfway through our current "semester" in our psychosocial rehab clinic for the seriously mentally ill. We've had some staffing issues pop up over the past few weeks, so I've stepped in to teach an extra class on body-centered healing modalities. I was told that there's a folder with lesson plans for each class, so I showed up a few minutes before class last week to get the folder, only to find that the lesson that week was "Hypnosis." I started class with a progressive relaxation exercise that my mom taught me when I was little and having a hard time falling asleep. My mom is a nurse, and went through a bit of a hippie phase in the late 70's (in a non-marijuana-smoking, non-free-love, non-Jimi-Hendrix, totally-straightlaced, Lamaze-teaching, shopping-at-a-food-co-op, and making-her-kids-eat-carob-chip-cookies kind of way).

We followed up the progressive muscle relaxation with my reading a hypnosis script, doing my best to sound hypnotic, directing them to ascend a staircase with ten steps into a place of deep relaxation. It was actually a really cool class, and I for one felt way more relaxed afterwards.

The topic for tomorrow is "Tai Chi" and the topic for next week is "Yoga." Obviously I'm all over the yoga lesson. The fact that I know nothing about the philosophy or the physical exercise of Tai Chi is somewhat worrisome. Part of me wants to say screw it, and just do Tae Bo instead.

But the other part of me wants to learn the routine on this short video & teach the moves. Then maybe we could come up with our own peaceful, flowing moves, and each student can take turns leading the rest of the class. Sounds peaceful & groovy to me!

Sunday Snapshot

Church

I have no idea when I last stepped into a church. Easter 2008? My family was in town, and we went to the United Church of Christ a few blocks from my house. I remember liking the sermon, but all I can remember about it is that it made reference to the Doobie Brothers as well as the preacher at Barack Obama's church (which apparently was also UCC).

For a year or so, I attended a Unitarian Universalist church with some degree of regularity. I liked the music and the emphasis on social justice, but was disappointed by the avoidance of the concept of God.

I believe in God, which I define as a divine force of Love in the universe. I believe that God is in each of us. I believe that Jesus and Buddha and others were somehow more in touch with their God energy than most, and I believe in what they taught. And I believe that there is power in a spiritual community. While there was definitely a strong sense of community at the Unitarian church, I felt that it lacked a spiritual core. I did a meditation class at the Zen Buddhist temple once, but have never gone to Sunday services there. I always say I'm going to, but I never have.

Tomorrow is Sunday. Maybe I'll go.

Why I Love Yoga

August 2007 was not my best month. I'd had a really, really shitty breakup the month before, and I was keeping myself sane (barely) by doing yoga and running every day. I'd gotten into running before to deal with emotional pain, so that felt familiar. But yoga as therapy was new to me. I knew that every time I went to yoga class, I'd have an hour and a half where I was fully in the moment and I was not thinking about stuff that made me sad. It was fun and challenging and sweaty (did I mention it's a Vinyasa class in a 95-degree studio?), and life changing. Here's a post from August 23, 2007...

"Then I came home & got ready for yoga. I got to the studio, and I was bummed because Terry wasn't there, and he's the only one whose Vinyasa class I've been to, and I really like him. Instead a woman named Jen was teaching the class. She was awesome. The class wasn't as hard core as Terry's, but it was more slow and we took more time in the poses, and she was very encouraging. Towards the end, she asked if anyone wanted to try a handstand. Several people went over to the wall, and she helped them get up on their hands, then put her arm between their calves, and by squeezing it, they were able to stay upright. I was watching and wanting to try, but I was totally scared that I wouldn't be able to do it or even wouldn't be able to get out of the pose. After a few people tried it, she asked if anyone else wanted to. I was watching everyone who did it and I totally wanted to, but I didn't say anything. Then she said, "Come on...it's better than caffeine!"

And before I knew what I was doing, I was on my feet and walking over there. And I just felt a total sense of purpose and I was completely in the moment. I went over and I got into the pose quite easily, and I did a handstand and felt so completely strong and balanced and supported. And then I came out of the pose and I was so happy. It was a natural high like I've never really experienced before. I walked back to my mat and I was so glad that I had tried it. I was full of energy and happiness. I felt like my heart energy was finally released."

I made a 20-minute yoga video the other night. I need to re-tape it because my mat was not visible in the frame, so every time I do chaduranga (lowering from high push-up to low-push), I sink down off screen. Then I pop back into view in up-dog. And my tank top is a little short and I have to pull it down to cover my belly in several different poses. Which just isn't very professional, you know?

When I finish it tomorrow, I'll post it.

Tomorrow I'll Be Singin' This Song

Pineapple Fried Letdown

There's a Thai restaurant near my house that has really yummy pineapple fried rice. Usually. Tonight they had pretty gross pineapple fried rice. Maybe I shouldn't order 30 minutes before closing time, as I'm probably getting the tofu and the rice that's been sitting in a pot all day, drying out. Oh well--you can't win 'em all. Plus, that's probably the universe's way of telling me to cook the Curried Spinach & Chickpeas that I've been meaning to make all week. I'll do it tomorrow (no, seriously!).

This afternoon I got my hair cut for the first time in five months. I got bangs & we cut off at least four inches. It feels awesome! My hair in back is about even with my earlobes, then it gets progressively longer towards the front--just long enough to put a little bit into tiny pigtails when necessary. And there are times that tiny pigtails are necessary. The color is actually my natural color, as in the same color I had when I was eight years old, and haven't seen in over 20 years (since I first made the terrible mistake of using Sun-In in eighth grade). We weren't striving for the natural color, it just came out that way. So with my childhood color and my first short haircut in recent history, I found myself having flashbacks to the traumatic haircuts of my childhood.

I may or may not have been mistaken for a boy on more than one occasion, and I hated getting haircuts with a highly dramatic passion. I remember one time, after a particularly butch crop, I went home and put my Halloween mask on (a plastic witch mask, no less) and forbade my sisters to look at me. Yes, I was a highly sensitive child. And a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway, I got my hair cut today. It's not even that short, and I like it a lot, it just makes me look different than how I looked this morning, which takes some getting used to. It also makes me look almost exactly like my older sister. You know how some women say that one day they look in the mirror and see their mom? I always thought that was just an expression, meaning that one day you look in the mirror and you have wrinkles or gray hair and you realize you've gotten older, and you now look more like your mom than you ever have in your life. I didn't realize that it meant you LITERALLY see your mom. After my hair appointment, I went shopping, and in the dressing room I looked in the mirror and saw my sister looking back at me. It was incredibly bizarre.

When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear a Neck Brace

The 65-year-old woman in me came out for a visit this morning. After snoozing my alarm on my cell phone four times, the alarm clock on my bedside stand forced me awake at 6:20. This was only the third or fourth time since I started doubling up the alarms (about two months ago), that the backup alarm clock had to be employed. I was snoozing the cell phone alarm because I was trying to stay in my dream. I'm not sure what it was about. The two dreams I remember having last night featured me dropping acid and hallucinating that I was hearing hard rock music (I blame this on last night's blog post), and a second dream where I was teaching a huge yoga class and no one could hear me, and people weren't doing what I was telling them to do, and then I couldn't find my yoga mat. Stress dream, anyone?

Anyway, when the foghorn alarm on my beside stand went off, I rolled over from my back to my right side in somewhat of a flinging fashion. And I felt something in my upper back get pinched. What the hell, people? I injured myself by rolling over in bed? Yes, I did. So all day, I've had this pinched feeling on the right side of my thoracic spine, somewhere around T4. I've tried stretching it out, including in an administrative meeting this afternoon, but to no avail. To see something on my right, I have to turn my upper body as if I have a whiplash neck brace, because my neck can't quite swivel more than 45 degrees to the right without whatever's pinched in my back getting pinched further.

I think this is my mattress' way of telling me it wants to be replaced. Because a similar fate befell me about six weeks ago, though this time the problem was all in my neck, rather than starting in my upper back and affecting my neck. Julie was in town visiting the weekend after it happened. When she got in bed, she laid down on the extra firm pillow I'd bought at Target after jacking my neck up. I had to ask her to give it up, and use one of the weenie softy pillows while I explained why I needed the extra firm one. This was said to her while I had my mouth guard in, which I wear every night because I grind my teeth, which is gross. I generally chew through a mouth guard within about two months. And after I'd secured my pillow, I got out my Burt's Bee's intensive hand balm because the weather was getting colder and my hands were getting dry and I actually had a couple cracks on my fingers. Before uncapping the balm, I warned Julie that it smells a bit like linament oil.

So there I was, sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing linament on my cracked hands, lisping through my plastic mouth guard, and making it very clear that her using my extra firm pillow was not going to happen, so don't even think about it, lady, because I am not playin'. It was then that she asked me when I'd turned 65, which offended me on behalf of 65-year-old's everywhere. Because I definitely felt more like 85.

Point being, I need a new mattress and one of those pillows that molds to your head whenever you change positions. Maybe I'll use my DAY OFF tomorrow to go pillow shopping.

Course Correction

Blogging every day: check
Yoga every day: check
Vegan every day: check
Writing a novel: not so much

Maybe my original plan was a bit on the ambitious side. When I wrote the novel four years ago, I was doing a rather cushy neurology rotation, with my weekends off, no call, and I took the week after Thanksgiving off, so I had eleven days off to work on the novel. This included an all-you-can-write retreat in my sister's cabin in Northern Michigan, where I did nothing but write for three days straight. That was awesome. I was so caught up in the story, and my characters were so real to me. I'd been a resident for almost five months, and I had met so many fascinating people and had so many intense interpersonal interactions, and I was taking all that energy and channeling it into the novel. It's called "By the Time We Got to Woodstock" and is about two teenage girls on their way to Woodstock, and their adventures along the way. It's a coming-of-age story, and I feel like I was going through a coming-of-age period in my life when I wrote it. And I have such affection for the characters who came to life in the story: Olivia, Rachel, Josh, Paul, Brett, and the French girl whose name I've forgotten (sorry, Claire! or was it Chloe?).

So I've decided to course correct, and instead of writing a novel in November, I'll edit a novel in November. There are a couple of unfinished chapters that need a fair amount of work, including the one where everyone drops acid around a bonfire. I think I glossed over that chapter because, having never dropped acid, I didn't know what to write about it. I just saw a movie this weekend where everyone takes acid and suddenly they're all laughing and hungry, which seemed very pot-esque to me. I always thought of acid as more just getting lost in your own trip, and didn't associate it with the giggles or getting the munchies. Can anyone enlighten me? I'm talking to you, Animal. What gives with the LSD, man?

Anyway, the mission to write another novel this month is officially aborted, and the mission to get my novel one step closer to an actual manuscript has begun. In the meantime, the blog posts, the Trader Joe's soy ice cream bars (heavenly!), and the upward facing dogs will keep on comin'!

How I Spent My Sunday Afternoon

Today was sunny & in the 70's! YES!!!! Autumn, I officially forgive you for those two straight weeks in October where it never hit 50 degrees & the sun never shined (shone, whatever). Because today was awesome. Anthony and I have been wanting to go to Starved Rock for a couple months (ever since I first heard about it from SunShine--yes, I've lived in Chicago for almost ten years, and never knew about this awesome state park that's only 90 miles away until this year), and today was our day.

There were lots of people out enjoying the day--families, older couples, lots of awesomely cute dogs, and everyone seemed 100% happy to be walking out in the woods. The trails were covered with the dry autumn leaves that have fallen in the past couple weeks, and every now & then you could see another leaf float softly down to the ground. It was beautiful.

A Perfect November 7th

Slept in 'til 10:30. Woke up to find it sunny & in the 60's. Anna, George, Xavier & Stella came over and we hung out in my backyard for a while, then walked back to Anna & George's. Hung out with Anna on their back deck while Stella & Xavier napped. Walked home through Lincoln Square. Stopped at used bookstore and bought Iyengar yoga book for $8. Came home & did Baptiste yoga online video on Netflix. Took rejuvenating shower. Anthony came over. Seduced him. Picked up take-out Thai food, and now headed out to a movie. Yay!

Oops.

I accidentally stood Anthony up tonight and now I feel like a total asshole (because I was a total asshole). The past couple weeks at work have been really, really stressful. This is my first job as an attending and I started three months ago, and it's been difficult for me not to have good friends at work that I can decompress with/talk smack about people with. In residency, I had several very good friends, especially Anna, whose office I walked into on a number of occasions and just started crying. And then she'd talk me down, and I'd be good to go for the rest of the day. And I haven't had friends that I've felt I could be myself around, and with all the shit that's been going down at work, that's really been getting to me.

So tonight after work, several people planned on going out for drinks & I don't like to miss out on a socializing opportunity, so I was all for it. Anthony knew I was going, and last night on the phone I told him that I really want to hang out with him tonight & go out for dinner & de-stress from this stressful week. I was at work until 6:00 (my shift ends at 4:30) catching up on paperwork, then headed over to this classy wine bar, and ended up having a really good time, and hanging out with some very cool & very funny people. We talked smack about everyone who deserves to have smack talked about them, and I snorted with laughter, and someone laughed so hard he cried. It was a damn good time. For the record, I had two glasses of wine, so this wasn't a shit-faced drunk fest, more just a chance to unwind from a very stressful, very crazy work environment. When I checked my phone to see what time it was, it was 9:00. Oops. Anthony had texted me at 6:30 to see what was up, so I called him & he didn't answer. I left an apologetic message, then called him again when I got home about 45 minutes later and left another apologetic message.

The exact same thing happened about six months ago, except he was the stander up and I was the one who was waiting by my phone until 9 pm, getting more and more irate as each minute ticked by. And when he said he was out with friends from work and unwinding and he just lost track of time, I was all, "How could you lose three hours??? I understand if you wanted to be with them, but you could have at least fucking called!" Totally indignant and 100% pissed. But NOW I understand how such a thing could happen. Oops.

It's after 11:00 now, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how pissed he is at me. No more than 80% I would think, since he's not quite so prone to ire as I am (not that I'm all that prone to ire, I swear). But still, I feel like an ass. I don't recall him having done it, but if he'd brought me flowers the next day, all would have been forgiven. What can you give a guy to get back in his good graces? Besides a blowjob, that is.

Decisions Decisions

Wow. How do people decide what to blog about every day? For me, decisions sometimes get exceedingly difficult, moreso with meaningless small decisions: such as what brand of macaroni & cheese to buy. I once stood in the grocery store aisle for at least five minutes debating whether to buy Annie's or Kraft macaroni and cheese. There were apparently many pro's and con's I felt I needed to weigh.

And now I've been sitting here for five minutes trying to decide what to write about. The class on spirituality that I taught to five men with schizophrenia today? A post about my best friend's daughter, Lili, who had her ostomy take-down procedure last week & is the biggest champ in the whole world? Yeah, those are two good topics.


One of the clinics that I'm director of is for people with "serious mental illness" (SMI), which is generally defined as schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, or bipolar disorder. We have fifty patients who meet this criteria & are enrolled in our psychosocial rehabilitation clinic, and our focus is on recovery. The recovery model was not emphasized in my residency training program, and it's been exciting for me to learn about & embrace the concept. Basically, in the past, the the goal for treating people with SMI was to have their symptoms somewhat well controlled on medications. The recovery model posits that the individual decides their own treatment goals and the clinicians work with them to help them achieve them. And our rehabilitation program is designed to teach patients the skills that will help them to achieve their goals (which often include things like having meaningful relationships, getting a job, living independently, etc.). So we offer "classes" on topics like Social Skills, Humor, Resiliency, Relaxation, and Writing Your Story. I teach the Healthy Living class every week. Today I was supposed to sit in on the spirituality class, but when I got there, the instructor hadn't shown up. So I decided to wing it and lead a discussion on spirituality with five schizophrenic men, only two of whom I knew. And it was awesome. We had a great discussion about forgiveness, including forgiving yourselves. They had a lot of great insights, and I came away feeling like I'd learned something from the class as well. I love my job and I am so honored to have the chance to get to know & to work with these awesome people, and to be a part of their recovery. It's amazing.


And then there's Miss Lili. She deserves a post all to herself. For now, here's a portrait of the artist at work.

Wordless Wednesday

Supervised

Thank goodness Anthony is here to tell me to stop reading everyone else's blogs & everyone else's blog comments, and get to work on writing a post. I am going to attribute the lack of focus to the fact that my Adderall wore off about seven hours ago.

I got my official ADHD diagnosis one year ago at age 36. I'd been wondering if I had ADHD and wanting to try stimulants for years, but there was a big part of me that said that my lack of focus and follow-through and inability to do anything "in a straight line" was due to laziness or lack of discipline on my part. As an example of the straight line difficulty, it used to be that when I got ready in the morning I'd brush my teeth, then mid-teeth brushing would decide I needed at that moment to check to see if the shirt I wanted to wear that day was actually clean & in my closet, then would go to the room to check it, then would notice my watch on the dresser and realized it needed winding, then would go back to finish brushing my teeth, then would realize that I'd forgot to check the closet for my shirt, then would go back to the room and forget why I went there. This process was repeated with other various shiny objects grabbing my attention as I attempted to put in my contacts, straighten my hair, put on my makeup, etc.

And I've also had a lifelong problem with staying focused when studying. Yet I also made it through medical school without any medication to help me along, so again, I thought that maybe I was just being lazy & that I was a secret drug fiend looking to get some amphetamines.

But last year, in my fourth year of psychiatry residency, after treating a number of women diagnosed with ADHD as adults, and seeing their lives become infinitely more manageable, I decided to get treated myself. And the things that I'd heard from my patients began happening to me. I was suddenly able to complete projects in a timely fashion. I'm no longer scrambling around my apartment in the morning, wondering where I lost my keys, forgetting my lunch on the kitchen table, and getting to work five minutes late. I am far less likely to interrupt my paperwork by compulsively checking my e-mail (the Internet is the shiniest thing of all for me). And when I studied for my board exams last summer, it was enjoyable. I was able to sit and study for hours at a time, which had never before happened for me. In the past, I was constantly up and down, again getting distracted by things I needed to do or something I needed to look up on the Internet. But this time I studied and I learned and I had a great time. And for the first time in eight years, when I had a major test deal with, I was not living in a state of escalating panic and anxiety as the test date drew nearer, certain I was going to fail. I knew that I was absorbing the material and retaining it, and I knew I would pass the exam. It felt great.

I'm so glad I forced myself to make an appointment with a psychiatrist last year & get this figured out. One thing that kept me from getting evaluated for so long was the stigma. I didn't want to have it on my insurance records that I saw a psychiatrist. I worried that it might affect my chances of adopting in the future. Also, I wanted to get treatment that would help me concentrate, but I didn't want to admit that there I actually have a brain disorder that handicaps my functioning. Even now I don't own ADHD as a "mental illness" but rather as a variant of normal. There are lots of people who live with ADHD and are able to function and to succeed, but it's almost like walking around with five-pound weights on your ankles & wrists. It's just so much easier when they're taken off.

At Least for November

Instead of just being a blog reader (and notorious lurker), I'd like to be a blog writer. Instead of being a couch sitter, I'd like to be a downward dog do-er. Instead of being an animal product eater, I'd like to be a vegan cuisine nosher. Instead of being a daydreamer of novels I'll some day write, I'd like to be a writer of novels today.

So, here I am, ready to be the me I want to be. At least for November.

It's National Novel Writing Month and National Blog Posting Month. Four years ago, I finished Nanowrimo and I don't know that I've ever felt like as big of a badass as when I typed that 50,000th word. I have dreams of someday going back and editing it and having it be a bestseller and then made into a movie produced by Drew Barrymore. It could happen, right?

And I found out about Nablopomo because several of my favorite bloggers are participating. I've had a private blog for several years--really just a journal for my eyes only. The crazy hermit inside me (I don't even have a Facebook account) has shied away from making my thoughts public. Maybe it's time to come out of that shell. At least for a month.

I was trying to choose whether to write the novel or start a blog & post daily. I have to tell you, I was leaning toward the blog. Then I read Stacey's blog and got inspired. If she can do both AND find the time to raise four children, then I can do both AND find the time to successfully navigate my stressful new(ish) job.

And since I'm dreaming big here, I decided to also do two other things I've been wanting to do for years: go vegan (at least for November) & do yoga every day.

So here I sit, working on my new blog as I choke down a vegan apple cranberry bran muffin from Trader Joe's. I stopped on my way home & loaded up on vegan essentials including chocolate soy ice cream sandwiches, vanilla soy ice cream, dark chocolate bars, pita chips, and hummus. Oh, and some fruits and vegetables and a few beans. I've got the Vegan with a Vengeance cookbook, and I'm ready to go!

And in terms of yoga, I love it, but for some reason I rarely do it. So this month I'm going to do it every day, for at least 10 minutes--just enough time for a few sun salutations & some nice stretching, and hopefully a little de-stressing.

Here goes nothing!

Cheating

Let's pretend it's really November 1st, shall we?

Let Nablopomo begin!