When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear a Neck Brace

The 65-year-old woman in me came out for a visit this morning. After snoozing my alarm on my cell phone four times, the alarm clock on my bedside stand forced me awake at 6:20. This was only the third or fourth time since I started doubling up the alarms (about two months ago), that the backup alarm clock had to be employed. I was snoozing the cell phone alarm because I was trying to stay in my dream. I'm not sure what it was about. The two dreams I remember having last night featured me dropping acid and hallucinating that I was hearing hard rock music (I blame this on last night's blog post), and a second dream where I was teaching a huge yoga class and no one could hear me, and people weren't doing what I was telling them to do, and then I couldn't find my yoga mat. Stress dream, anyone?

Anyway, when the foghorn alarm on my beside stand went off, I rolled over from my back to my right side in somewhat of a flinging fashion. And I felt something in my upper back get pinched. What the hell, people? I injured myself by rolling over in bed? Yes, I did. So all day, I've had this pinched feeling on the right side of my thoracic spine, somewhere around T4. I've tried stretching it out, including in an administrative meeting this afternoon, but to no avail. To see something on my right, I have to turn my upper body as if I have a whiplash neck brace, because my neck can't quite swivel more than 45 degrees to the right without whatever's pinched in my back getting pinched further.

I think this is my mattress' way of telling me it wants to be replaced. Because a similar fate befell me about six weeks ago, though this time the problem was all in my neck, rather than starting in my upper back and affecting my neck. Julie was in town visiting the weekend after it happened. When she got in bed, she laid down on the extra firm pillow I'd bought at Target after jacking my neck up. I had to ask her to give it up, and use one of the weenie softy pillows while I explained why I needed the extra firm one. This was said to her while I had my mouth guard in, which I wear every night because I grind my teeth, which is gross. I generally chew through a mouth guard within about two months. And after I'd secured my pillow, I got out my Burt's Bee's intensive hand balm because the weather was getting colder and my hands were getting dry and I actually had a couple cracks on my fingers. Before uncapping the balm, I warned Julie that it smells a bit like linament oil.

So there I was, sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing linament on my cracked hands, lisping through my plastic mouth guard, and making it very clear that her using my extra firm pillow was not going to happen, so don't even think about it, lady, because I am not playin'. It was then that she asked me when I'd turned 65, which offended me on behalf of 65-year-old's everywhere. Because I definitely felt more like 85.

Point being, I need a new mattress and one of those pillows that molds to your head whenever you change positions. Maybe I'll use my DAY OFF tomorrow to go pillow shopping.