Supervised

Thank goodness Anthony is here to tell me to stop reading everyone else's blogs & everyone else's blog comments, and get to work on writing a post. I am going to attribute the lack of focus to the fact that my Adderall wore off about seven hours ago.

I got my official ADHD diagnosis one year ago at age 36. I'd been wondering if I had ADHD and wanting to try stimulants for years, but there was a big part of me that said that my lack of focus and follow-through and inability to do anything "in a straight line" was due to laziness or lack of discipline on my part. As an example of the straight line difficulty, it used to be that when I got ready in the morning I'd brush my teeth, then mid-teeth brushing would decide I needed at that moment to check to see if the shirt I wanted to wear that day was actually clean & in my closet, then would go to the room to check it, then would notice my watch on the dresser and realized it needed winding, then would go back to finish brushing my teeth, then would realize that I'd forgot to check the closet for my shirt, then would go back to the room and forget why I went there. This process was repeated with other various shiny objects grabbing my attention as I attempted to put in my contacts, straighten my hair, put on my makeup, etc.

And I've also had a lifelong problem with staying focused when studying. Yet I also made it through medical school without any medication to help me along, so again, I thought that maybe I was just being lazy & that I was a secret drug fiend looking to get some amphetamines.

But last year, in my fourth year of psychiatry residency, after treating a number of women diagnosed with ADHD as adults, and seeing their lives become infinitely more manageable, I decided to get treated myself. And the things that I'd heard from my patients began happening to me. I was suddenly able to complete projects in a timely fashion. I'm no longer scrambling around my apartment in the morning, wondering where I lost my keys, forgetting my lunch on the kitchen table, and getting to work five minutes late. I am far less likely to interrupt my paperwork by compulsively checking my e-mail (the Internet is the shiniest thing of all for me). And when I studied for my board exams last summer, it was enjoyable. I was able to sit and study for hours at a time, which had never before happened for me. In the past, I was constantly up and down, again getting distracted by things I needed to do or something I needed to look up on the Internet. But this time I studied and I learned and I had a great time. And for the first time in eight years, when I had a major test deal with, I was not living in a state of escalating panic and anxiety as the test date drew nearer, certain I was going to fail. I knew that I was absorbing the material and retaining it, and I knew I would pass the exam. It felt great.

I'm so glad I forced myself to make an appointment with a psychiatrist last year & get this figured out. One thing that kept me from getting evaluated for so long was the stigma. I didn't want to have it on my insurance records that I saw a psychiatrist. I worried that it might affect my chances of adopting in the future. Also, I wanted to get treatment that would help me concentrate, but I didn't want to admit that there I actually have a brain disorder that handicaps my functioning. Even now I don't own ADHD as a "mental illness" but rather as a variant of normal. There are lots of people who live with ADHD and are able to function and to succeed, but it's almost like walking around with five-pound weights on your ankles & wrists. It's just so much easier when they're taken off.